ASBO Boom

Anti Social Behaviour Orders are have become valuable collector’s items following their discontinuation by Home Secretary Theresa May. 

The 'ASBO yuppie', a glimpse of the future?

Any remaining ASBOs held by the Con-Dem coalition are being sold to the highest bidder in an effort to replenish depleted government coffers. The sweeping change to one of the Blair government’s biggest social reforms has been received with cautious enthusiasm by those lucky enough to be in possession of one or more of the coveted civil orders.

Phil Grouting, 25, of Lyme-In-Water, Cumbria, was overjoyed to hear that his four ASBOs for common assault are now valuable family heirlooms. “I think it’s a really good move by the new government” said Grouting who received his first ASBO at the age of 18 after a drunken brawl at a local taxi rank. “I’m thinking of putting my ASBOs into an ISA or something, but with things as they are the market could change at any time, especially in light of the VAT increase in January.”

The value of ASBOs could overinflate rapidly as thousands rush to swap with one another in an effort to gain complete sets in certain areas such as public order or nuisance behaviours. The market is currently swamped with alcohol related offences, with public urination and fly-tipping a close second and third. What have been coined ‘Golden ASBOs’, those awarded to the over 60s, are fetching seemingly limitless sums. 

Mrs Dorothy Polyp, 76, of Enid Blyton, Surrey, sold her single 2006 order for repeatedly shouting at her television for a staggering £18,547 to an anonymous collector on eBay. “I couldn’t believe it” Mrs Polyp told us, “I’ve just been using it as a doorstop since I got it, I never thought it’d be worth anything. Obviously there’s the sentimental value, but with winter just around the corner and gas prices like they are, I just had to let it go. The police are never away from my nephew’s door, so I expect he’s got a few tucked away somewhere.”

Exotic specimens of ‘windmilling’ and ‘theatrical sexual intercourse’ are alleged to have fetched six figure sums, proving particularly popular among Russian oligarchs looking for new areas of investment. The current ASBO bonanza is the result of one of the coalition’s more popular reforms. With public confidence at an all time low and financial austerity biting at the ankles of all but the super-rich this will no doubt provide a much needed feel-good factor.

Will the sudden creation of a nouveau riche result in a wave of ASBO yuppies? Only this week, the UK’s first Aftershock fountain was installed at a house in Portsmouth and there are reports, as yet unsubstantiated, of record sales of Intimately Beckham and 24 carat gold belly bars. The ASBO boom looks set to continue despite warnings from top economists of a tulipomania style crash if rampant trading continues unregulated. The speculative bubble has been likened by BBC business editor Robert Peston to the housing boom under New Labour or those Pog things from years ago.

Maddie may have been taken by gang of swan eating, benefit scrounging, asylum seekers.

Missing British child, Madelaine McCann, is believed by many to have been snatched, to be trained as a banquet waitress, by a highly organised gang of asylum seekers who are also involved in a swan eating ring. The evil plot is said to be itself part of an elaborate scheme to lower house prices in Britain, in readiness for a mass exodus from Johnny Foreigner Land on the same date as Princess ‘Peoples’ Princess’ Diana’s birthday. Probably.

If we do not speak for the Mute Swan, who will?

Mr Bombastic

Top boffins who’ll say anything for column inches, have said that should the plan succeed, combined with the eating of all the Special, Sacred, Churchillian Royal Swans, it would leave many Britons questioning their national identity. Many may even start to think that they are French or even Bulgarian or something. This can sometimes lead to cancer of the apostate.

Rusty sheriff's badge

Professional racist and general twat, Nick Griffin, of BNP fame, says that he is in no doubt that the gang behind Maddie’s disappearance are “Probably not white, will support same sex marriage and more than likely follow one of those religions like Muslimism that I know fuck all about.” The UK’s top bigot continued by stating that, should the British National Party ever be elected to power, he would bring back hanging for the offences of pacifism and not supporting our brave boys. “It’s time we stood up to those who undermine our society” said the toad-faced Question Time star.

Nonces

Since Maddie’s disappearance in 2007, only one person has been seriously questioned who looked anything like a paedophile. Local man, Robert Murat, was later released after it became clear that he had nothing to do with the events in question. The spineless Portuguese locals then showed nauseating restraint, by failing to dish out some much needed mob justice. You can bet that if it had been one of their kids that had probably been taken by some swarthy Mediterranean type, they would have burned his house down in an orgy of misguided outrage quicker than you can say ‘lynched paediatrician’. Typically, it’s one rule for them and another for the rest of us. However, a bloke that your correspondent met in a pub toilet last weekend assured WesternEye that  “There’s no smoke without fire. I’d have strung him up, just to be on the safe side. You can’t be too careful with these nutters. I’d pull the lever myself, I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to kill someone.”

Thatcher’s thatch

The search continues for the missing Royal Swans. In fact resources have been  diverted from the McCann case to track them down, following our campaign, as HRH fancies one for Christmas dinner. But those evil, twisted, bogus aslyum seekers seem intent on filching them all for their own ends. “It’s the thin end of the wedge” said ardent ‘Keep Britain White’ activist and keen Jobseeker’s Allowance recipient, Colin Pillock. “I was born in this country and haven’t had a job for nine years. If anyone should be at the front of the queue for abducting British children and killing swans it should be people like me, not foreigns. It were the swans that won us the war weren’t it?”

World cup 1966

It now seems clear that the scope of this problem has managed to include nearly every fatuous and inflammatory topic that sells papers to the easily riled and malcontent masses. Where reports of swan eating or sightings of Maddie with some unsavoury ethnic type will spring up next is any one's guess; most likely when it’s raining and none of us can be arsed to leave the office to do some real journalism.

New Robbin' Robin Hood Tax set to make poverty pay for itself

"Stand and deliver, povs!" Says Cameron.

David Cameron is to introduce a new levy on poverty, in an effort to stem the tide of public spending. The radical move would be the first time ever that people would be charged for the free social service of being broke.

“We live in a time when poverty is everywhere” said Mr Cameron, the youngest prime minister in 200 years. “I think that it is high time that those who have enjoyed poverty for so long, be made to shoulder of the cost of that poverty.”

Chancellor, George Osbourne, has backed the Prime Minister and says that a sliding scale would be used to assess how much people will owe. Those that are just-a-bit-short will pay less, whereas the truly brassic will pay considerably more. “The profligacy and squander of New Labour is over. Those that have grown fat on the spoils of poverty will no longer be able to bleed the rich and affluent dry.”

The much touted “Robbin’ Robin Hood Tax” will be aimed at only the ‘super-poor’ whom the Coalition say should shoulder the heaviest burden. Liberal Democrat Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, was unavailable for comment as he was out on the cabinet lunch run. But when asked if his party agreed with the new system,  was he selling out his left wing supporters and values. Mr Clegg’s deputy, the dog from the Churchill Insurance advert, issued this statement: “Oooooh yes” to the former and “Ooooh no, no, no, no” to the latter.

The cost of poverty has risen. But does this mean that those who take advantage of it should be made to pay more for the privilege? If not, who should? Taxing the balls off commercial banking has been floated, by many, as the answer to every problem from climate change to what to do if a red sock finds its way into a whites wash. So perhaps Mr Cameron and his chums have found the perfect solution to an imperfect problem - let those who seek to benefit from poverty, pay for it.

The Prime Minister summed up by offering a glittering vision of the future: “This system of self-sufficient destitution will let your children and your children’s children be able to enjoy the benefits of abject poverty, for generations to come.”

The first of many...

Dear all,

This is the first post on what I hope will become a popular and lively blog. Some will be just for a laugh, while others will be in observation and commentary of the world around us.

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